Rick and Morty (2013– )
Morty Jnr: I don't want to Masturbate! I want to conquer the planet!
Principal Vagina: Hello, this is Principal Vagina. No relation.
Rick: Sometimes Science is More Art than Science, Morty. A lot of people don't get that.
Morty's Sister: You can't gift a creature with sentience and then take it away! It's Indian Giving!
Dad: [Rick is loading a Corpse with Dynamite] Well, I can see you're busy...
MantisVet: That's stupid!
Jerry: Look where being smart got ya.
Dad: I'm intervening.
Mom: Intervening in Puberty? You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in Red Dragon!
Mom: Majoring in Civics was your mistake, don't punish us for it.
Rick: Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener?
Mr Meeseeks: Your failures are your own, Old Man!
Mr Meeseeks: Meeseeks are not Born into this World fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are Created for a Singular Purpose which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is Pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry, and we will do anything to alleviate that Pain!
Mom: When we were locked in that freezer I realised that every guy I ever dated was like those Meeseeks. They'd say or do anything to... fulfill their purpose.
Dad: Was I like those guys?
Mom: Well, you didn't disappear afterwards.
Dad: I did get you pregnant.
Dad: We can't all be raised like reptiles by a Mentally Ill Scientist!
Rick: I'm trying to repair the Portal Gun with Sex Doll parts and I have to do it one-handed!
Summer: If you impose Gazorpazorp's laws upon Earth, then you are no better than the men whose farts shall remain unspoken.
Morty Jnr: I'd rather breathe poison than live another day with you!
[He can breathe fine]
Morty Jnr: My Life has Been a Lie! God is dead! The Government is Lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus's birthday wasn't on Christmas, they moved the date, it was a Pagan Holiday!
Brad Anderson: Perhaps you should consider being a Creative. I'm haunted by uncontrollable thoughts of mutilation and sexual assault on a Daily Basis, but I channel it into my work.
Morty: Don't run. Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV.
Mr Goldenfold: Not every void can be filled with Jumba Juice.
Plutonian: Is everyone in your Family an Idiot?
Morty: For sure me and my Dad are!
The Devil: I'm going back to Hell where everyone thinks I'm Smart and Funny.
Plutonian: The young eat the old if you let them, Jerry.
Jerry: I'm an idiot, and I love my son.
Rick: If I know these A-holes, and I am these A-holes, they just want to haul me to their clubhouse and waste my time with a lot of questions.
Sign: Welcome to the Planet of Greasy Grannies! Population: A Whole Lotta Granny!
Abradolph Lincler: Rick, you brought me into this World a suffering abomination, tortured by the duality of its being, but I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from your wretched body!
Rick: Big Star in the Sky, Oxygen Rich Atmosphere, Giant Testicle-Monsters, we'll be fine let's Party!
Gearhead: What people don't get about the War of the Gears is that it wasn't about the Gears.
Abradolph Lincler: I kinda believe all men were created equal, but then...
Jerry: Stop telling me to relax! Have you ever tried to relax? It's a paradox!
Bird Person: My people have another saying: Gubbanubnub Dooraka. It means whatever lets you sleep at night.
Rick: If you spend all day shuffling words around you can make anything sound bad, Morty.
Blim Blam: The two of you are the fucking worst, you hate yourselves and each other, and the idea it has anything to do with Rick is Laughable!
Summer: What teenage girl has pictures of her family? It's not like we're Mormon or Dying!
Jerry: It's possible we've been correlating some things that weren't related at all.
Rick: We killed a Vampire and a Gym Teacher! Talk about two for one, right?
Rick: That's Earth Therapy! You might as well ask a horse to fix a Merry-go-round!
Rick: Every Hospital has a Doctor they say is the best Doctor in the Galaxy.
Alien Werner Herzog: I have dwelt amongst the Humans. Their entire Culture revolves around their penises.
Voice Over: Today, on How they Do it: Plumbuses. First, they take the Dinglebop and they smooth it out with a bunch of shleem. The Shleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the Dinglebop and they push it through the Grumbo. Where the Fleeb is rubbed against it. It's important that the Fleeb is rubbed because the Fleeb has all of the Fleeb juice. Then a Schlamie shows up and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the Fleeb, there are several hizzards in the way. The Blamphs rub against the Chumbles. And the Plubis and Grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular old Plumbus.
Rick: I always wondered how Plumbuses got made.
Jerry: I can't leave now! Everybody hates me!
Rick: Stop digging for hidden layers and be impressed! I'm a Pickle!
Morty: This is proof that Mr Lunis is not who he says he is.
Principal Vagina: He's not a Guidance Counsellor?
Morty: I'm sure he's qualified to be one. Who isn't?
The Contact Jodie Foster: We have so much to learn from you.
Rick: I know, right?
Rick: I don't use colour to sort things because I'm not a mouse in a European Children's book.
Beth: Tommy's still in there raping Muppets and eating babies!
Rick: Stone Cold, Steve Austin! I don't know what that means, I don't know why I said that. But, I stand by it. Stone Cold, Steve Austin!
Tommy: Next item on the docket: I would like to have sex with some of you and then eat the babies. Yes, I thought you'd like that. I do keep rolling out the hits, don't I?
Beth: Ok, Tommy, I'm sorry you feel you're owed an apology. Oh, my God, I'm my Father.
Mr Goldenfold: [Math Class] And that's why one Pussy plus another Pussy equals a bunch of Pussies. C'mon, y'all, I'm trying to make this appeal to your sex addicted lifestyles!
Beth: I'm running out of excuses not to be who I am, so who am I?
Rick: You want my advice? Take off, put a saddle on your Universe, let it kick itself out.
Jerry: If anyone deserves to be telekinetically strangled, it's me.
Trendor: Varax Nests spread across three hundred Galaxies, and you just happen to pick this Planet to hunt? That's Gorgon Shit, pure Gorgon Shit!
Morty: [Minecraft] You can make this wood into a Chest.
Rick: Good, then I'll have somewhere to store all this wood I need for Chestmaking!
Morty: You're not going to have fun if you analyse everything.
Rick: A tiny Nuclear Capable civilisation was just discovered in the Amazon. Let's go make First Contact before someone gets all their shit!
Rick: When Smart people get happy they stop recognising themselves.
All the Mr Meeseekses: Aw, come on!
Jerry: Hey, I have a marriage to keep together. Right now my Golf Swing is more your problem than mine.
Little Man: Gentlemen, what did we agree on?
Little Men: No work-talk!
Beth: He doesn't need anything from anyone.
Therapist: You admire him for that.
Beth: It's better than making your problems other people's problems.
Giant Amoeba: Ha! That's why you never invite a Floopidoop and a Shmoopidoop to the same party!
Alien Therapist: Oh Dear God, no! THEY'RE CODEPENDANT!
Snuffles: Where are my Testicles, Summer?
Summer: That's an intense line of questioning...
Rick: I don't have time for you to wrap your little walnut around everything.
Reuben the Homeless Mall Santa: My story begins with the Dot Com Crash of the early 90s...
Chaos Chaos: Lay it, lay it down. Let me see your hand. Show me what you got. You're always talking, but you're not playing. It doesn't match your face. 'Cos I'm away, away from this place. Can you take me now? Ah, I want it. I want it real. Are you afraid of me now? Are you afraid of me now? Do you feel it? Do you feel it? Do you feel that I can see your soul? Do you feel it? Do you feel it? Do you feel the beat in your heart? Ah, I want it. I want it real. Run away with me now. Ah, I want it. I want it real. Run away with me now.
Rick: [Drunk] Are you a simulation Morty?
Rick: [knife at his throat] Are you a simulation Morty? Are you, you little bitch?
Rick: Are you a simulation Morty?
Rick: Are you a simulation Morty?
Rick: Ah right. Sorry Morty. You're a good kid. You're a good kid Morty.
Morty: What? Oh God! What a life...
Rick: You want me to show my Math? Are you the Scientist or the kid who wanted to get laid?
Rick: Great, now I have to take over a whole Planet because of your Stupid Boobs!
Summer: You're Zuckerberging me?
The Devil: I've been Zuckerberging people since before Zuckerberg's balls dropped!
Gearhead: And the Gears they turned for a thousand years until the dark day that they stopped...
Squanch Cat: You're not Squanchy enough for a Squanch Party.
Testicle for a Head 1: [Mistakes Einstein for Rick] Hey, yo, there he is, dawg!
[Emerges from Hyperspace]
Testicle for a Head 1: Hey, don't mess with time, bitch!
[Beats up Einstein]
Testicle for a Head 2: [joins in] Yeah, bitch, don't mess with time!
Testicle for a Head 1: Don't mess with time, bitch!
Testicle for a Head 2: Don't mess with time!
[They both leave]
Einstein: [crying, heaves himself up to the Blackboard] I vill mess vith time! I vill mess vith time!
Rick: Oh, boy. Morty, time to go!
Rick: The Pentagon. Well, not The Pentagon. The lame one here on Earth...
Rick: That's Planning for Failure, Morty. Even dumber than regular planning. Balls.
Mr Meeseeks's Mr Meeseeks: I can't take this any more! I just want to die!
Mr Meeseeks: We all want to die! We're Meeseeks!
Jerry: If you weren't being such an Evangelical Atheist, you might start enjoying yourself.
Summer: My Generation gets Traumatised for Breakfast.
Jerry: I guess I'm just everyone in this Family's toilet paper.
Rick: You're going to have to harness your repressed rage.
Morty: I don't have any!
Rick: Spoken like someone with repressed rage...
Obama: Some sort of Alien Gewgaw has infested the Kennedy Sex Tunnels...
Presidentress of the Mega-Gargantuans: We named ourselves before we found out we were small.
Rick: How do you feel about all the people who are getting killed today because of your choices?
Mortybot: Aw, Jeez, my Sister died in the Spaghetti!
Therapist: Why didn't you want to come here?
Rick: Because I don't respect Therapy. Because I'm a Scientist. Because I invent, transform, create and destroy for a living and when I don't like something about the World I change it. And I don't think going to some rented office in a strip mall to listen to an Agent of Averageness explain which words mean which feelings has every helped anyone do anything. I expect it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind we value in the animals we eat but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow! I'm a Pickle! When I feel like it. So, you asked...
Robot: I have processed that you are depressed and have prescribed antidepressants compliments of the Galactic Federation.
Jerry: I feel better.
Robot: Your debt is 7000 FedCredits, report to the Ministry of Employment and you will be assigned a function.
Jerry: Honey, I got a job!
Risotto Groupon: I am the assistant General Manager of the Restaurant.
Jerry: Do you have any comment cards, I may have some thoughts.
Risotto Groupon: My Kingdom was usurped by Force with weapons and technology supplied by your Father-in-Law.
Jerry: My Kingdom was usurped too! He basically got me kicked out of my Family!
Risotto Groupon: Then we are brothers! And you have wondered what your life could have been without Rick.
Rick: Oh so we're supposed to sleep every night, now? Do you realise that nighttime is like half of all time?
Rick: The trick to incepting is making people think that they came up with the idea.
Morty: Jeez Rick, what the Hell, I liked her!
Rick: Yeah, so I heard. You dodged a bullet there, Morty, trust me.
Rick: Puffy Vagina!
Morty: What's wrong with that?
Rick: Check the Engine Room! We just need Caesium, Plutonic Quarks and Bottled Water!
Rick: I've got news for you Morty, School's a waste of time, a bunch of people running around bumping into each other and then someone stands up and says 2+2 and then you go and have a sandwich and someone gives you a piece of paper that says you can go and take a shit. It's not a place for Smart people.
Frank: Now I'm going to cut you, because my Family's Rich!
[frozen by Rick]
Jerry: How is my son supposed to pass his classes if you keep dragging him off for a high concept Sci Fi rigmarole?
Rick: Keep your hands off your Dingdong! It's the only way we can speak freely!
Zigerian: This is going to be such a Mindfuck!
Giant Lawyer: These tiny people were never read their Giant Rights! And so they are Free Fi Fo Fum to go home! What? I was deconstructing that thing we say, as Giants! Nobody got that?
Rick: Preying Mantises are the opposite of Voles, Morty. They decapitate and eat their mates after mating, Morty. There's no love there at all...
Jerry: Sometimes small True-True different than da big True-True...
Gazorpazorpfield: I hate Mazumbazumpdays.
Snuffles: Bow-wow-wow bow-wow!
Summer: Aw, he's saying "I love lasagna"!
Snuffles: [tethers a human in a plan for World Domination] I guess she's saying "I love lasagna"...
Beth: [Morty Jnr's book is called "My Terrible Father"] It's a thankless task, Morty. You did the best you could.
Morty: ...I hope he's eating enough.
Principal Vagina: Don't let the name fool you, I am very much In Charge.
Rick: Stay where you are, Jerry, the Killbots are live and I've taken you off the whitelist.
Jerry: Your Mother's Lawyer says that if I can win enough in the settlement then he can help me sue for full custody!
Rick: You know what, Morty? That was all a test. An elaborate test to make you more assertive.
Rick: Yeah, whatever.
Neutrino Bomb: Countdown alert!
Mr Goldenfold: Not my fault this is happening.
Jerry: If you ever have an affair with that guy I will come to your Hotel Room and blow my brains out over your naked bodies.
Summer: What kind of God would let this happen?
Jerry: Beth, it's him or me!
Beth: Jerry's going to spend some time Divorced.
Therapist: Oh wow, look at this family go!
[swings a fist]
Therapist: You're talking like a bunch of Pros.
Dad: It's alright! The TV says that there's nothing to worry about.
News Announcer: The Giant Naked Sky Santa has Exploded...
Rick: Oh, what have we got here? A bunch of people with their faces stuffed in Computers? Don't you realise that Christ was born today? Don't you realise that Christ our Saviour was born today? WHAT KIND OF CHRISTMAS IS THIS?
Morty: I'm sick of these crazy insane adventures! That was too traumatising! I'm out!
Jerry: [golfing divet]
Mr Meeseeks: That's okay! I'm Mr Meeseeks, look at me! Keep your head down?
Jerry: Well which is it? Square my shoulders or keep my head down?
Mr Meeseeks: It's kind of both. But the important thing is to relax.
Jerry: Well, Mr Meeseeks, I don't think that this is working, I give up.
Mr Meeseeks: I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that. I'm Mr Meeseeks! I have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away! Look at me!
Jerry: Well, make yourself comfortable because I suck.
Mr Meeseeks: No Jerry, I'm the one who SUUUCKS! Let me try something
[Mr Meeseeks hits the button on the Meeseeks box and another Mr Meeseeks appears]
Mr Meeseeks's Mr Meeseeks: HI! I'm Mr Meeseeks, look at me!
Mr Meeseeks: Hi, Mr Meeseeks, I'm Mr Meeseeks, look at me!
Mr Meeseeks's Mr Meeseeks: Hi!
Mr Meeseeks: Can you help me get two golf strokes off of Jerry's Golf Swing?
Mr Meeseeks's Mr Meeseeks: Can do! I'm Mr Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders square?
Mr Meeseeks: Well, he's tryin'...
Mr Meeseeks: A Meeseeks isn't supposed to live this long! It's getting weird!
Obnoxious rival: I throw balls far. You want good words, date a languager.
Rick: Or... Family means Nothing! But don't play that card.
Stickler Mr Meeseeks: I'm something of a Stickler Meeseeks...
Dad: Maybe we should just play Yatzee.
Voice Over: And then they ran as fast as they could from Giant Cat Monsters.
Voice Over: Paid for by Trunk People.
Mr Goldenfold: I HAVEN'T LEARNED A THING!
The Devil: What a waste of a Monkey's Paw.
Rick: [whispers] Jubbajubbajubbajubba?
Summer: Ok, let's do it!
Rick: You're making a bigger deal out of this than it is.
Slow Moebius: Sorry, I was just showing off my Powers.
Rick: Negative Visualisation, Jerry, it kind of explains a lot about where you're at.
Rick: I see what's going on here, you're both young and uncertain about your place in the Universe.
Jerry: I remember it differently.
All the Mr Meeseekses: Meeseeks!
Mr Meeseeks's Hostage: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
Rick: [saved from certain death by another Antihero] And that's why you don't go to therapy!
Cute Purple Blobby Alien: Ah, hell no, dawg! You know me, I'm just tryna...
[Crushed to Death]
Scary Terry: Sex is Sacred!
Rick: I'm okay with this. Be good, Morty. Be better than me.
Abradolph Lincler: Mein journey ist over.
Scroopy Noopers: YOU CAN'T KILL THE TRUTH!
Summer: Dad, get a job! You're trying to create drama because you're bored.
Insectoid Galactic Agent: Awesome Possum!
Summer: Oh my God my Parents are so lame I just want to die.
Mr Meeseeks: We accomplish nothing by shedding Meeseeks Blood!
Fart: More a-comin'...
Fart: Goodbye Moonman! Goodbye Moonman!
Rick: That's such a poor use of my time, it's beneath me.
Rick: I'm sorry, Summer, your opinion means very little to me.
Mr Meeseeks: [cutest voice ever] Remember to Square your Shoulders, Jerry!
Morty: Here's what I think of your Crystals, Rick!
[throws the rest of the Khalaxian Crystals outside, and the Testicle Monsters get them]
Rick: Oh Morty, you idiot! Does anyone have any more K-Lax?
Morty: Just because you hate your own writing doesn't make me a bad person!
Morty Jnr: It's semiautobiographical. All writing is.